I turned 40 last year, and as time has passed, I found myself growing increasingly aware of the fact that I'm getting older, and to be frank, it has scared me greatly. It was incredibly interesting because, for years, I struggled with thoughts of suicide. But after reaching 40, I realized how badly I want to live and how much I cherish life. But in so realizing, fear grows as well, because you start to struggle with the concept of your own mortality, that each day is one step closer to the inevitable. When you get older, you start to think about what it will be like when you never wake up again.
I began to remember all the people I have lost throughout my life, such as my grandparents, my dad, and really good friends who died too young. It's hard to lessen the pain. In fact, you might even blame yourself for not being there for them more.
Last week, I took a trip back home to North Carolina to see what remains of my family and friends, in hopes it would better my mood. My grandmother Joyce did give me a bright light of hope when she told me something that I had never thought of before but that was obvious. People in my family tend to live a long time unless they do something to shorten it, such as drinking and smoking and bad eating. But even then, some of my family members lived into their 70s. I imagine they'd still be alive if they had lived healthier.
But even so, no one can live in this current body forever. Everything in this life seems so fragile and temporary. Because it is. So how do we cope with it? Do we just accept it and enjoy life while we have it, not letting it bother us because it's useless to worry about anyway? Perhaps.
I find myself crying for everyone who has passed on these days, because their lives mattered, and they all made some kind of impact on others or the world around them. The people in our lives are one of a kind. The relationships we form will never again exist except in this lifetime. And so, we must love and nurture those relationships and the experiences we have in the world.
Remembering my beliefs also made me realize something else. I have said that I want to live forever, and I have come to realize that that is possible, just not with this body. This old body eventually has to go. So perhaps soon I won't be worried about it anymore. I know the Gods are with my soul.
In the Goodness of the Gods,
I'll see you at the next Herm down the road,
Chris Aldridge.