Self-Awareness Is Crucial To A Relationship

On November 4th, I will be 40 years old. From my own relationships with many women throughout the years, and watching the successful and failed relationships of others, along with my lifelong study of sexology, I know that self-awareness can make or break a union with someone. 

While we often hear of someone placing unrealistic expectations on their partners, we rarely think of the fact that the person could also be placing the same lack of realism upon themselves as well, and most of that unrealistic expectation comes from lying to ourselves and others about what we really want sexually and intimately, either because we feel pressured by social norms, the opinions of others, and/or we fear the reaction of our significant other because they too may be under the same ailments.

One of the top reasons for breakups and divorces is infidelity. In laymen's terms, cheating, having sex with someone other than your partner. I've said in the past that cheating is the result of polyamorous people pretending to be monogamous. Otherwise, why would someone cheat in general? The self-awareness comes in when we are honest about our sexuality and sexual desires. Love without trust is no love at all.

Far too many people proclaim themselves to only want one person because of societal pressure and expectations, or because they believe that's what their partner expects of them, even though their partner could be lying to themselves as well. Most humans do not have monogamous attraction. Throughout your life, you will be attracted to numerous people. Pretending otherwise in a relationship, and thus, trying to be something we're not, is going to set the relationship up for failure or at least ongoing issues of jealousy, bitterness and distrust. 

Far too often, we build relationships on inauthenticity. It is much better to find a partner who is also polyamorous, or who at least isn't going to blow their top over the simple fact that you find other people attractive. I know some people who consider it cheating because their partner liked someone else's Facebook picture, or watched a porn video. This level of human oppression is not only unnatural, it's insane, and it shows the level of indoctrination that institutionalized monogamy has placed upon humanity. Watching porn is no more cheating than watching a fight is domestic violence. But that's how much we have been subconsciously conditioned to hate human sexuality and ourselves.

Not only do we overcome these oppressions, jealousies, insecurities and anxieties by accepting the truth of our human nature, but by realizing that love is not finite. It is very much plural. Just because your significant other finds someone else attractive, or even loves someone else, does not lessen their love and devotion to you. You will always have multiple people and things in your life that you love, but the fact of plurality does not lessen the love you have for any single one of them.

If you're truly monogamous and that's what you want, then fine. But few people are, and when you enter into a relationship with that unrealistic expectation on both your parts, you're setting the relationship up for turmoil if not termination. Often people fear truth because they fear change. The last thing we want to do is become something different than we have been our whole lives, especially if we have been mentally and emotionally conditioned to it. But it is better to let someone go and find a genuine relationship, than to create an unhappy situation for the both of you. 

Self-awareness in this discussion is asking yourself the simple question: Do I really only have a desire for one person, and will I be happy watching everyone else pass me by?

In the Goodness of the Gods,

I'll see you at the next Herm down the road,

Chris Aldridge.

How A Hellenic Marriage Endured The Impossible

I certainly will never pass myself off as a licensed relationship counselor, but from my own relationship of the last 14 years, which was a Hellenic union and marriage, I know what creates strength and weakness, love and hate, union and dissolution.

I remember a long time ago a friend of mine, who wasn't a Hellenist or any religion as far as I knew, asked me to pray for her marriage, as it was on the verge of divorce. I said I'd ask Hera for help (Queen of heaven and the Goddess of marriage).

A few days later, my friend told me that her relationship had miraculously improved. I haven't heard from her since, and I hope things are still going well, but the first point is that when you put Hera at the center of your union, it will never break.

Of course, it was first Aphrodite, Goddess of love and passion, who brought my wife and I together. Still to this day, after the better part of 20 years of being together, we still have just as much passion for one another.

The hard part, at the beginning of our relationship, was that neither of our families approved. They either felt one wasn't good enough for the other, or that it was something that was happening too fast and hasty. But sometimes, that's the way the universe works.

So literally, we ran away together. We didn't care what others thought. She left her home, and I mine. We didn't look back either. For a short time, we were technically homeless until we managed to get into a hotel here and there, in which we stayed until our first apartment was finally secured.

When you want to be with someone and the opportunity to change your life for the better is there, don't bother yourself with the opinions of other people. Listen to what the Gods and your heart tell you. 

Some may be critical of spontaneous love, but I can verify that it is an indicator of the strongest kind. If you have to work to get someone to love you, it's just not meant to be. A natural connection does not require labor, nor can it ever be destroyed, just as energy itself cannot be.

When we rented our first apartment together in High Point, North Carolina in the summer of 2009, we were so poor that I was astounded they even gave us one in the first place, and as nice as it was to add. We literally had nothing but our laptops, clothes to sit on, and an air mattress for sleep. 

But we were as happy as we could be, even though we didn't have any material. We didn't even have good jobs at the time. Nevertheless, we were delighted just to be with each other in our own place, away from everything and everyone else. Therefore, I'd say the second phase is finding someone who is willing to run away with and love you for you only.

Of course, finding someone who only wants you for you may not be that easy if you're rich or well off. In that case, I really can't give advice because I've never been rich. But what I can say is that someone who wants you when you're poor, won't leave you when you're rich. So if you want a lifelong partner, get one either when you're poor, or who doesn't know you're not.

However, we could not have possibly guessed what was to come next, something that would change so many lives, including ours, forever; a severely premature baby. Even though Gryphon pulled through amazingly after being born at only 24 weeks, he still has issues he will have to work through throughout his life.

Why does this have such an impact on the marriage between my wife and I? Because over 80% of marriages with children with disabilities end in divorce or separation. Ours never did. That's not to say it hasn't had its difficult times, but the hardships uniquely made us stronger together.

When Gods like Zeus, Athena, Artemis and Apollon are part of your life, you realize that you have a duty and an obligation to others, no matter how difficult things may become at times. It was mine to love my wife and be there for my son, because I had assisted in bringing this union together and creating our child. My personal feelings and stresses are irrelevant when it comes to duty.

In short, Hellenism instills in you honor. Honor is the most important of all virtues, because without it, there is nothing you won't do under the right circumstances. Honor puts the personal to the side and brings to the top what is simply right and what is simply wrong. Would it have been much easier to leave my marriage? Quite possibly. But easy isn't always right, nor does it always make you better.

Additionally, the more you experience hardships and trials together, the more love and strength your connection will have. Don't run or recoil from challenges if they come. Instead invoke the Gods, take each other's hand, and push through them. Whatever you do, never see one another as the enemy or the reason for your troubles. You are in it together. Your partnership is supposed to help you manage things better. Use it.

Life is not easy. It's a full time job, full of stress, health and financial issues, and sometimes even legal concerns. But I tell you truly, the Gods and your love will bring you through all of it.

One might say, "Yes, but why bother? If it's been that hard a significant amount of the time, wouldn't it be better to just not go through it?"

The answer is, if you never want to change for the better and you don't want to get the most out of a relationship, then no, it's not worth your time. Otherwise, it's worth every step. You'll notice progress for the better, just as we have. Things have always improved slowly but surely. We are a world better off now than when we first met. It's not even a close comparison. For two reasons; the Gods and the refusal to give up.

In the Goodness of the Gods,

I'll see you at the next Herm down the road,

Chris Aldridge.