On November 4th, I will be 40 years old. From my own relationships with many women throughout the years, and watching the successful and failed relationships of others, along with my lifelong study of sexology, I know that self-awareness can make or break a union with someone.
While we often hear of someone placing unrealistic expectations on their partners, we rarely think of the fact that the person could also be placing the same lack of realism upon themselves as well, and most of that unrealistic expectation comes from lying to ourselves and others about what we really want sexually and intimately, either because we feel pressured by social norms, the opinions of others, and/or we fear the reaction of our significant other because they too may be under the same ailments.
One of the top reasons for breakups and divorces is infidelity. In laymen's terms, cheating, having sex with someone other than your partner. I've said in the past that cheating is the result of polyamorous people pretending to be monogamous. Otherwise, why would someone cheat in general? The self-awareness comes in when we are honest about our sexuality and sexual desires. Love without trust is no love at all.
Far too many people proclaim themselves to only want one person because of societal pressure and expectations, or because they believe that's what their partner expects of them, even though their partner could be lying to themselves as well. Most humans do not have monogamous attraction. Throughout your life, you will be attracted to numerous people. Pretending otherwise in a relationship, and thus, trying to be something we're not, is going to set the relationship up for failure or at least ongoing issues of jealousy, bitterness and distrust.
Far too often, we build relationships on inauthenticity. It is much better to find a partner who is also polyamorous, or who at least isn't going to blow their top over the simple fact that you find other people attractive. I know some people who consider it cheating because their partner liked someone else's Facebook picture, or watched a porn video. This level of human oppression is not only unnatural, it's insane, and it shows the level of indoctrination that institutionalized monogamy has placed upon humanity. Watching porn is no more cheating than watching a fight is domestic violence. But that's how much we have been subconsciously conditioned to hate human sexuality and ourselves.
Not only do we overcome these oppressions, jealousies, insecurities and anxieties by accepting the truth of our human nature, but by realizing that love is not finite. It is very much plural. Just because your significant other finds someone else attractive, or even loves someone else, does not lessen their love and devotion to you. You will always have multiple people and things in your life that you love, but the fact of plurality does not lessen the love you have for any single one of them.
If you're truly monogamous and that's what you want, then fine. But few people are, and when you enter into a relationship with that unrealistic expectation on both your parts, you're setting the relationship up for turmoil if not termination. Often people fear truth because they fear change. The last thing we want to do is become something different than we have been our whole lives, especially if we have been mentally and emotionally conditioned to it. But it is better to let someone go and find a genuine relationship, than to create an unhappy situation for the both of you.
Self-awareness in this discussion is asking yourself the simple question: Do I really only have a desire for one person, and will I be happy watching everyone else pass me by?
In the Goodness of the Gods,
I'll see you at the next Herm down the road,
Chris Aldridge.